I developed this line of reasoning a few years ago, and while my circumstances have considerably changed, my choice remains the same.
My reality is: I can’t have children, at least not through conventional means. While there are medical advances that might change that, its doubtful they would come to fruition before I’m in my 60s.
If I were to wake up tomorrow and be pregnant, it would be miraculous enough to make anyone a believer.
I do want to be a mother, and there are times I feel that need so hard it hurts. But, my future children deserve to have the best I could possibly give.
Four years ago I was a mess, I was recovering from serious emotional trauma. Financial and emotional stability were things that happened to other people, not me. I would have the odd good week, but then I’d end up crashing back down.
It was shortly before the trauma happened that the wish to be a mother emerged, and this continued throughout the darkest periods. I did wonder about a miraculous pregnancy, and how I would react if it happened. Even with the state and family help, it wouldn’t be an easy life.
My child would therefore grow up in poverty, with a single mother afflicted by depression, and unable to work. Given that I have a choice, it would be wrong for me to inflict such a reality on an innocent child. So instead of having a child come into existence, and no matter how much I wanted that child, I would choose to have an abortion.
I have gotten a lot better, and it’s taken time, space, and self-analysis. I had to learn that it’s not keeping standing that matters, it’s getting back up each and every time. It is an ongoing process, and every single day of the past 4 years has mattered in my journey.
Some of those days were very hard, especially when I was doing jobs that ate my whole life… but because of those jobs, and experiences I got stronger, and I began to heal. Those were the kind of jobs I couldn’t have had if I was responsible for another human.
I realise I didn’t have a “real” choice to make, but that doesn’t make that decision any less real to me, and had I chosen differently, I wouldn’t have had that space to recover, in both the emotional and practical sense, not to mention financially.
I am still not in the place where I could, by the standards I set for myself, be a good mother. I am getting closer to that time and place, but I still have a fair way to go. My choice therefore, would remain the same.
I do hope for the day when my personal choice could be different, but I should always have the right to make that choice for myself, based on my personal circumstances.